(To the tune of Eminem’s Deja Vu)
My pulse climbs to a dramatic rate,
My muscle feel weak and they’re probably gonna lactate.
What’s that? Two pullups down and I still need to do another eight?
Please get me the other band to help lift my weight;
Because the way it’s going, I’m waiting for a bone to break.
Remember, “weight on your heels,” but how will that affect my running gait?
Push out these last few reps, I guess running will just have to wait.
After I’m done, I feel like a tanker that needs to rapidly eject its freight.
Collapsed in a heap, i think “wow, isn’t crossfit great?”

Pardon me, Mr Mathers, for butchering your song,
But it has the perfect cadence to highlight crossfit’s wrongs.
Let me rephrase, it’s not like I’m saying crossfit’s wrong.
But rather that the girls can come on a bit too strong…
And maybe the classes cost a bit too much Vietnam dong…
The upside is: after class you’ll use the John,
To call your friend Ralph, who you haven’t seen in so long.
And it’s cool, ’cause the ladies notice how you’re getting on,
If it’s their thing, they’ll compliment you on your new arms.
But guys like me, who have a wife on the farm,
Aren’t attracted to the concept of a hoedown in the barn.

So what is it then? What’s my motivation?
Surely there are cheaper ways to treat my fat to annihilation…
But, man, at crossfit you feel part of a nation,
Like, you don’t even mind offering your body as libation!
And in that is the essence of the flaw in this creation,
Getting lost in the group, with no thought of a vacation.
Even when your muscles scream and you’re swathed in perspiration,
You push through without concern for self-preservation.

Or maybe I’m just being a pussy and my mind is resisting my latest lifestyle change, we’ll see. But I can confirm that crossfit is not for the feint, and definitely not something you should try without previous history of intense physical activity – how ever long ago it may have been.

You’ll feel things inside your chosen “box” (slang for an affiliate gym) that will make you question the qualities of your humanity. And you’ll discover the sweet irony that getting inside the box means allowing yourself to be pushed far outside of your comfort zone.

The first stanza of the little rhyme above recounts my experience in the baseline workout (500m row, 40 squats, 30 situps, 20 pushups, 10 pullups; for time) – the first workout you do when you want to sign up. I did a 10.48 (48 seconds over cut-off for men) and couldn’t straighten my arms for 3 days afterward. Here’s a kid breaking himself on the baseline; picture me without the glasses and about twice as heavy.

Over the next couple months I’ll be immersing myself in the cult of crossfit at Crossfit DurBell, in the hope of wearing a size 38 regular jeans again. Stay tuned, and pull in if you’re in the area and looking for a challenging workout.