I am the Oprah Winfrey of the Men’s Health office. My weight fluctuates between just-under-overweight and just-on-overweight. In July 2010 I was fitting snugly into size 38 jeans; by October my size 36es needed a belt to stay up.

My goal for this challenge is to get down to a size 32. It’ll never happen. I know that up-front. Best-case scenario is I’ll end up fitting into loose 34s. That on its own will be pretty damn impressive, I reckon.

One thing I’m not doing is stressing about the kilos. At the previous Men’s Health Staff Challenge I sweated my ass off to get down from 98kg to 80kg (again, that was never going to happen), but in putting on muscle I gained almost as much as I lost. So this time I’m focussing entirely on waist circumference.

If I end up with a 34 waist and a 100kg body, I’ll take that.

What’s a challenge without a… y’know, challenge? Instead of recruiting a personal trainer or taking up MMA, I’m doing an at-home, DIY programme.

It’s partly inspired by personal circumstance (I have two preschool daughters and an insane schedule, so my gym card seldom sees the light of day), and partly by a letter from a Men’s Health reader. The guy emailed us saying that he lives in the middle of nowhere and the closest gym to his house is 60km away. Using nothing but a pair of 1.5kg and 3kg dumbbells, he tried doing the “Belly Off” thing at home. He was happy with his results. I believe him. And, if you’re reading this John Henwood of Whereabouts Unknown, this one’s for you.

At time of writing, I’m still waiting for the exact numbers from my Sports Science assessment. I completed 14 laps of their killer track (which adds up to 2km on the dot) in just under 12 minutes, which suggests that I’m not too badly out of shape.