I’ve never really “got” running. It’s something usually I do when the MyCity bus at the bottom of my street or when I hear a yapping Jack Russell. But ever since I became a desk jockey, an evening run on the slopes of Table Mountain is the perfect antidote to a day of sitting.

So for this challenge I have chosen to run my first full marathon. That’s right, a full half-marathon. I announced to the staff that I would do the Two Oceans in two hours like the Herculean athlete that I am. Judging by the general lack of awe when I proclaimed this glorious time, two hours clearly isn’t that impressive. My editor quickly haggled it down to 1 hour 45 minutes. Crikey, Jason. I’m channeling Elana Meyer, not Usain Bolt. Anyway, I have sought the advice of running guru Professor Andrew Bosch of the Sports Science Institute of SA, who has drawn up a crash-course training programme. And I’ve kitted myself out with a pair of blinged out Adidas Supernova Glides with nifty Micoach training technology, so now I look the part, at least.

Enough with the self-deprecating talk. I’m going to slay those tannies at the Two Oceans. I’m so fast, I’m even fast asleep. And when I am, I snore the theme of Chariots of Fire. (Haile Gebrse)lassie come home. I’m at your heels. Can you hear the rustle of my polly shorts?