For the first time in the 2013 Reebok CrossFit Games Open, I have a serious problem. You’ll notice that the three previous workouts all featured beasts that required a bit of mental toughness to kill, but 13.4 is a proper asshole – in which people will see way too much of mine.

Of all my weaknesses, hanging my 110kg frame from a bar ranks numero uno. It’s an unfortunate combination of poor arm and grip strength, a very low centre of gravity, and too many pies over the last decade. And for 13.4 I not only have to hang like an upside-down bleeding pig, but I also have to show my naught to the world and bring my toes up to the bar.

I’m a flexible guy with loose hamstrings who could probably autofellate were it not for my belly and a little thing called shame (Note: this is not my penis pet name, I’m referring to the emotion), and the same physics tells me that toes-to-bar is not gonna happen.

But before I get to that I need to clean-and-jerk the shit out of 61kg. Which is equally impossible, while still slightly less shameful.

I regret to inform you that I may not complete a single rep, but you’ll be glad to know that I will at least try. To the people who designed this workout I only have one thing to say: “go and fellate yourselves.”

Follow my weightloss journey on twitter, or if you’re in the Durbanville area, join me for a workout at CrossFit DurBell.