Impi. It’s not just a Johnny Clegg song anymore, it’s test of toughness that involves indemnity forms – putting it on par with GI missions in Vietnam and Kamp Staaldraad.

Our Ed drew straws and assigned a crew of strapping young men to do the Impi Original Challenge, a 12km trail run pockmarked with obstacles with homely names like “Snake Pit” and “Swamp Thing”. This character-building course at Lievland Wine Estate in Stellenbosch was designed by an ex-SA Paratrooper and Camel Trophy winner Pieter du Plessis, who most likely opens his beers with eye sockets. Of his enemies.

We’ve assembled a team of specialist athletes and we’re debating an appropriate theme song. First up in this crack commando unit is Frank “The Tank” Hermus who’s from Midrand. This sort of upbringing means he is naturally tough and will come in pretty handy if one of the obstacles is a bareknuckle boxing fight.

Arthur “The Artful Dodger” Jones is a CrossFit cavalier, triathlete and owner of two nipples that have endured 87km of chafing during the Comrades Marathon.

Then there’s Jimmy “Play That Funky Music, Jimmy White Boy” White. He owns Roark Gyms and therefore knows about lifting heavy objects, which will be useful when hauling fatigued team-mates over the finish line. He’s put us through a crash-course to get us into shape for the event.

And then there’s me, McNaughtus Tortoise, an aspiring athlete and member of the Spur Secret Tribe.

If leaping over rivers, throwing yourself into mud and decorating your moisturised hands with rope-burn isn’t for you, then you should re-think your priorities. If it still isn’t for you, then you should come along to Lievland Wine Estate anyway to experience the food and wine village, live bands, DJs, beer tent and indulge in the unrivalled pleasure of watching other people slip and fall in the mud. It will be like a party version of the opening ten minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

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