OK, so I’m looking through the results of my fitness assessment from the Sports Science Institute, and boy am I enjoying this.

They got my age wrong.

Actually, what happened was, I supplied them with the wrong age.

I remember how it happened. They asked me my vital statistics questions at the same time that they did the skinfold measurements (that’s where they pinched my flabby bits with those calliper thingies). So they’d ask me a question as they pinched me, causing a question/answer response that went like this:

Them: “Mr Van Dijk, how old are you?”
Me: “Me? Why, I’m thirty-ffffffudgeandpancakes* that’s sore!”
Them: “Thirty-five, then?”
Me: “Is this pinching entirely necessary?”
Them: “OK, next question…”

I am, in fact, 33.

So I’m looking through my results (“One-minute sit-ups: 24 reps”, “12 min motion test: 1960m”…), and I’m loving it, because I’m being measured against the expectations of a man two years older than me. Hah! Take that, sports scientists!

PS. My other results included a Total Body Fat Percentage of 23.9%, which suggests that I am made up of one quarter Fat and three quarters Awesome.

PPS. Kim from Sports Science just emailed to say that the assessment is based on age categories, and I’m in the 30- to 35-year-old category, so I’m not as clever as I thought I was.

PPPS. I did not, in truth, say “fudge and pancakes”.

PPPPS. I miss fudge and pancakes. This eating plan sucks.